Sam's Family Reunion of Crossovers
by Darth Tater
Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.
1. Chapter One

Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I missed. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

**Chapter One**

"Have anything remotely interesting?" asked Daniel, tossing a pile of letters towards the lab's only waste receptacle. Mail day always left him somewhat out of sorts.

Sam glanced up from her seat at her desk, a wry smile flitting about her features. "Unless you count advertisements for a pageant for daughters I don't have, offers of new credit cards for a planet I barely see anymore, or a free sample of this magazine," she held up a copy of some women's publication, which displayed a particularly distasteful picture and seemed to advocate "finding your perfect hairstyle" , "then no, I have absolutely nothing. I know the General was joking when he suggested we just forward our mail here, but it really does help to be able to sort out this junk during the quieter periods; I just wish I had something _besides_ junk."

"Indeed," assented Teal'c, examining the magazine. "Colonel Carter, do all Earth females concern themselves with these "metabolic stabilizers"?"

"No." She picked up the last envelope, and tossed it towards the bin without even glancing at it.

"Wait, Sam," Daniel grabbed it from the pile. "This one's different. See, the address is hand-written. What it says, I'm not sure, but someone definitely wrote it." He pushed his glasses farther up his nose, and used his archeological rune-deciphering skills in an attempt to read the name. "Looks like a something Carter… Zed? Zod? Maybe… Zoe?" He tossed it over, an expression of defeat on his face. "Must be a kid wrote that. Only thing harder to read is a doctor's handwriting."

"Oh!" Sam got it immediately. "Zoe Carter… That's odd, no return address…" she quickly slid a fingernail under the enclosing edge and shook out a folded sheet of typed paper. Then she inhaled audibly.

"What is it?" The other two gathered around to read over her confusedly shrugged shoulder, just as General O'Neill walked in. "What are you guys up to?"

"It appears Colonel Carter has been invited to a "family reunion". Does your family require reuniting?" Teal'c inquired of the awestruck woman before him.

"I suppose so, since I've never met a Zoe Carter before. Typical teenager, sounds like it." She read the invitation explanation aloud, with a rather ironic air:

"So, hello everyone. My name is Zoe Carter, and I'm fifteen years old. That should be enough background for you. I was recently doing some genealogy work for a school project (lame, I know) and I discovered that I had an entire side of the family I never knew anything about. I always thought my dad was just an orphan or something, but apparently he's not. Well, now he is, but anyway.

Yeah, so I was asking him if he had any pictures for my family tree, and he was like, "yeah, of my parents, twin brother, and sister." Naturally, I was shocked. So I called up Uncle Mark, and he explained everything to me, like about how Grandpa had just died recently of cancer or something (sucks that I never got to meet him; thanks, Dad) and how Grandma was a family tree nut, so we have relatives traced back to Europe and stuff.

Therefore, because I have an entire half of ancestry I've never met, due to the fact that Dad had a fight with them a million years ago, I'm inviting you (members of the family) to a gathering of sorts. The unofficial Carter Family Reunion. Most of you aren't actually Carters, but I call it that because I am. Yes, I'm just that self-centered. Anyway, more information is on the attached official invitation and stuff. Tell everyone else. Bring your friends." At the end was a large smiley face.

"What?" asked General O'Neill. "What was all that?"

Sam gave him a look. "Don't make me read it again."

"She sounds like a nice girl," observed Daniel thoughtfully. "I think we should go."

"'We'?"

"She said "bring your friends", Jack. Unless we have any missions scheduled for…" he glanced at the attached invitation. "September eighth?"

"Well, no, it's over six months away, but I think Carter should check it out first. You know, just in case."

"In case _what_?"

O'Neill threw up his hands. "I don't know!"

By the time they had finished arguing over what exactly Sam should do, she had already gone home, begun packing, and bought an airplane ticket to see her least favorite brother, Jack. She planned on having a few words with him, regarding such items as how he had neglected to tell her for fifteen years that he had married and had a daughter.

* * *

A loud chime echoed through the house, not unlike that of a large church tower tolling the quarter-hour. Someone was at the door.

"S.A.R.A.H!" shouted Jack Carter from his horizontal position on the sofa. "I thought I told you to cancel that doorbell!" He showed absolutely no intention of getting up.

"Dad!" Zoe skipped down the spiral staircase and tossed a length of pale blonde hair away from the skull emblem adorning her T-shirt. "Did you ever think maybe to answer it?" Her eyes rolled as she passed her prone paternal parent on the way to the door. Immediately upon reaching it, an expression of shock, which her father couldn't see, crossed her face. She opened the door, stepped through, and closed it behind her.

"Hi, Zoe?" said the rather bemused blonde before her. "Is this the address you gave me? Sorry about not letting you know before; I tried to call, but the number didn't work, and then I couldn't even find the place, which, by the way, you didn't tell me was a bunker- did your dad start working for the military, because I thought he hated it, because of my dad, and well- " she paused for breath.

"Uh, yeah," said Zoe, leading the visitor away. "You're Aunt Sam, right?"

"Right."

"Well, see, I kinda forgot to tell Dad about the reunion. Just yet. I wasn't really expecting anyone this early."

"Your dad kinda forgot to tell me about you." Sam crossed her arms sardonically.

"Like, ever? Are you and him and Uncle Mark in some sort of decades-long fight?"

"Sort of. Look, is there anywhere else, besides on the lawn in front of your- bunker- that we could have this conversation?"

"Yeah. I know a little place over in town. Come on."

The moment Sam entered the restaurant, she was surrounded.

"Samantha Carter?"

"What are you doing here?"

"We weren't going to invite you to Eureka for months yet!"

"Welcome! Can I offer you a tour?"  
"Wow, Samantha Carter!"

Apparently everyone knew her, but she knew scarcely anyone else, nor, indeed, why they all did know her. Confusion clouded her blue eyes as her niece ignored the flocking scientists and led her to a table in a corner. Finally, a man in a brown mechanic's suit advertising "Henry's Garage" pushed through the crowd, removed a grayish cap from his dark cornrows, and pulled up a third chair. Zoe took this moment to show surprise at her aunt's popularity, and Sam took this moment to speak.

"Henry Deacon? I haven't seen you in years!"

"Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: 'Theoretical Astrophysicist.'" He winked at her. "It has been some time."

"You're a what?" asked Zoe, glancing back and forth as though at a table-tennis match. "And how do you know Henry?" The entire room seemed to be silenced by the conversation.

"He was my physics professor at the Air Force Academy- his one brush with the hated United States military. He always told me it was a waste that I chose it for my life." Sam grinned. "My research in "deep-space radar telemetry" might make you rethink that assessment."

"With your recent "achievements"," assented Henry with a twinkling eye, "I would, indeed."

"Why all these verbal quotation marks?" said Zoe, leaning back in her chair. "And, Aunt Sam, no one ever told me I had a relative in the Air Force, besides Grandpa. But what does that have to do with radars?"

At this, the room erupted.

" 'Aunt Sam'?"

"Like, through _your father_?"

"She can't be!"

"Stop talking about me!" This was the Colonel. "I'm sure you're all lovely, but I came here to visit my brother and niece, and I don't even know what this place is called."

"This is Eureka," Henry said simply. "An experimental town. Everyone you see here is a scientist, many of whom know of your works even as you do them. As you may have guessed, due to the fact that you didn't know about it, it's a little more secret than your place of employment. If it helps any, your brother is the town sheriff, so he and Zoe automatically have high enough clearance, if you want to explain anything to them."

Sam pressed two fingers to her temple. "Jack always made things harder than they had to be. This time, he's doing it just by the place he lives."

"Yes, well," continued Henry. "As you may have heard, we were planning on eventually inviting you here, should you ever tire of your position at Cheyenne Mountain." He laughed at her raised eyebrows. "I know, you probably never could. But, since you're here, I'll personally show you around, once you've had lunch and a chat with Zoe." At that, he left, setting an example for the others to silently disperse and continue ordinary procedure, or at least as ordinary as could be when stealing glances at a legend in their midst.

"Wow." That was the response, hours later, from each at the conclusion of the other's tale of how she had gotten to her present state in life. Zoe's was a bit more full of shock, as Sam had actually heard a few snippets about Eureka the time she'd visited Area 51, but that compared little to an actual tour from the unofficial leader of the town, and an explanation from a rebellious teenager.

"Wow," Zoe said again, toying with the black fringe on the blanket covering her bed. They sat on the floor, Sam leaning against the wall and digging through her purse for pictures of her friends, Zoe touching up the chipped black polish on her fingernails. "Aunt Sam, you are so cool… and- wow, so is he!" She carefully held the photograph close to her face.

"Daniel? I guess. He's fluent in twenty-five languages, you know. He's too old for you, though. He's already been married and died several times."

Zoe put it down with an affected sigh. "Another geek."

"The last person who told him that went to the hospital with broken bones."

Then her niece was more interested again, but she changed the topic. "When he gets home, I really ought to tell Dad about the family reunion I planned, and about you being here and all, but I really didn't expect anyone to respond in person to my invitation. You and Uncle Mark were the only ones remotely close to Eureka. Some of the letters had to go all the way to, like, England." She blew on her fingernails.

"Oh, that would be my mother's cousin, Jackie Tyler. She actually has a daughter close to your age. Something of a spaz, though."

"That would make her my… third cousin once removed, or something? Will she be coming, do you think?"

"Doubtfully." Sam gingerly took a sip of her diet soda. "Nobody's seen her for awhile, not since she disappeared for a few months, came back with a forty-something boyfriend, and then disappeared again. She has a new boyfriend, I hear."

"She sounds cool, too," said Zoe, and then addressed a question, seemingly, to the room at large. "S.A.R.A.H.? Do you know when Dad is supposed to be home?"

"Sheriff Carter rarely informs me of his doings," replied the house somewhat testily. "If you are planning on a family dinner, I have prepared some pot roast, which is currently in the oven. I would suggest that the members of the family who are here at dinner-time actually eat in the further half-hour it will take to finish, whether or not the "family" is actually in attendance."

"This is Colonel Carter, S.A.R.A.H.," continued the girl, unfazed. "She's a member of the family, too, so it will be a family dinner."

The house made no response, and appeared to be sulking.

"So… Aunt Sam, who is it that lives in Ireland?" asked Zoe brightly, undaunted by the house's dark attitude. "Uncle Mark was really helpful, but he didn't give me names to go with most of the addresses."

Sam thought a moment. "I think that's… well, they're really distant, and only Mom ever knew just how they were related to us, but it's the Butlers. Actually, there's a girl there about your age, too, and she has our hair, but she's currently in Mexico." She grinned, and shook her blonde mane. "Her name is Juliet. Her older brother is currently bodyguard-ing some Irish millionaire, who's about fourteen and apparently a prodigy. Or so I've heard."

"Great. Another genius."

At that moment, without knocking, as usual, Jack Carter entered the room, beginning some discourse regarding how the town had been looking at him speculatively all day, but how he'd suddenly gotten some of his deserved respect. He never finished, because he saw his sister.

"Samantha? That's why everyone… that's why Fargo was asking questions about my family, that's why…" Shock didn't even begin to describe his face.

"Jack. Just decided to drop by." She left out the part that would get Zoe into trouble, namely, for not telling her dad that she had invited dozens of people over in a few months. "Any reason you never told me about Eureka?"

"Never got around to it."

"About moving into a Smart House, the technology of which you _know_ I've worked with?"

"Got busy."

"About your _daughter_?"

"Well, we've barely spoken in fifteen years, Sam! And it's not my fault," he added stubbornly. "You _had_ to join the Air Force, even though it stood for everything you, Mark, and I hated about Dad."

Sam stood and faced him, hands on her hips. "Let's not start this old argument again. I'm happy with my life. You're happy with yours. Mark and I have made up; why can't we?"

"I guess…"

"So that's taken care of." Sam clapped her hands to signify the closure.

At that point, Zoe cut in. "Hey Dad, question: what should she do about, like, accommodations? Should she fly home to Colorado Springs tonight, find a hotel and hope she isn't attacked by ravenous scientists, or can she just stay here? S.A.R.A.H. has plenty of extra space."

Jack shook his head. "I don't know…"

"I've taken the liberty of preparing the guest room," inserted the house helpfully.

He shrugged, exasperated at the conspiracy of his daughter, sister, and home. "Fine! Maybe I should just leave!" And he did, slamming the bedroom door on his way out.

"That went well," said Zoe, flopping cheerfully onto her bed.

"All the same," sighed Sam, "I think I should leave tomorrow morning. I'll see you in September, Zoe, and I'll even bring the rest of my team; just let your Dad try and stop me. This'll be a good experience for you. Just wait and see."


	2. Chapter Two

Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I do not have. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

**Chapter Two**

_Three Months Later_

"Hey, Daniel!" She bent her head over a schematics for a piece of technology recently recovered by SG-6, but really her thoughts swirled around how she could convince the general to accompany her and the rest of SG-1 to her most important mission yet- the family reunion. First things first, however.

Daniel entered her lab, barely glancing at the seemingly innumerably disorganized pages of notes scattered about. His office had more. "Need help?"

"Yeah…" she sat up and blinked several times. "Apparently there was some writing on the artifact- have you finished translating it yet?" Without thinking about it, she began spinning back and forth disinterestedly, her hand pushing the wheeled office chair into further rotations whenever she passed the desk.

"Um, as a matter of fact, I did," he said, consulting a sheaf of papers from under his arm. "It seems, strangely enough, to be related to an ancient Earth language I've been studying recently. The way it was written was similar, but comparing to the parts that were worn off made it a little hard to tell, but I think it said- do you hear that?"

She stopped, frowning. " 'Do you hear that?' That's what's written on it?"

Daniel shook his head. "No, I hear- a- scratching noise. It seems to be... coming from your wall." He pointed at the steel wall just behind Sam's head, behind which there was nothing but dirt for miles upon miles. They were, after all, underneath a mountain.

Sam turned around, and looked closely at it. "Now, what…?"

Suddenly, the wall shuddered, broke, and a figure fell through. It said something, but Sam couldn't understand it. It sounded like "Darrvitt", or something…

Daniel, seemingly without thinking, blinked and responded. The creature, which looked like a horribly mutated child, glanced up in astonishment. It then spoke again, and Daniel appeared to realize that he wasn't speaking English. Sam seized the opportunity to seize the creature, doing the first thing she could think of: she put a nearby cardboard box over it. When it chewed its way out in about three seconds, the last two being required to rehinge its jaw, she knew there was a problem. It was the archaeologist, however, who stopped her from calling General O'Neill with the emergency.

"Sam, don't! Look, it's got a weapon!" He pointed at an extremely threatening item strapped to the diminutive person's side, which seemed to be some variety of laser gun.

"He," replied the creature testily, removing the gun and pointing it lazily at the room's previously only occupants. "_He_ has a weapon. The name is Mulch Diggums, Mud Man possession reorganizer. Careful, or… I'll shoot, or something."

"Mulch! What happened?" came a tiny voice from a machine beside where the gun had hung. "Who are you talking to? Was that Gnommish I just heard?" At this, Daniel gasped, dropped his papers, and then knelt to rifle through them while they were still on the floor.

"It all makes sense now.." he muttered, paying no attention to the ugly child as it confusedly explained the situation to someone named Holly, through what Sam assumed was some sort of radio.

"Hello?" she said, picking up her handgun from her desk drawer and pointing it at the distracted intruder, "Mulch". "A few quick questions and answers, if you will. I'm Lt. Col. Samantha Carter, and you've just, inadvertently I hope, broken into my lab."

At this, another voice cut into Mulch's radio. "Samantha Carter?" It nearly shouted, in a high-pitched sort of way. "Mulch, what are you doing in America? Put me on with her."

Holly seemed to speak again. "Wait, what? Are there others, besides Artemis…? Was she the one speaking our language?" Mulch just shook his head as the voices continued to argue, and handed his communication device over as the second voice had requested.

"Hello?" said Sam, while Daniel hastily stood and listened intently. "Who is this?"

"I'm Foaly, my dear, and I'm surprised you don't know about us. It wasn't you speaking our language, was it?"

"No, that was Dr. Daniel Jackson; what-"

"Can you put him on, please?" She blinked disbelievingly, handing the tiny object to her friend. She then, as Daniel excitedly spoke with the "Foaly" person, crossed to the telephone hanging on the wall and spoke with General O'Neill, requesting some back-up. There wasn't even very much shock in her voice, because she wasn't even very shocked. Afterward, she sighed and pulled out a brand-new filing folder from a cabinet, prepared to start yet another thick top-secret file.

"_Fairies_?" Jack O'Neill had heard of some particularly outlandish things in his days at the SGC, but this was one he had never expected.

Daniel Jackson sighed. There had been no better way to put it, but he wished there had been. "Yes, Jack; fairies. They live in a bunch of cities underground. They even have one underwater which they named Atlantis after the city of the Ancients who came and had dealings with them thousands of years ago. And yes, I can speak their language; I just always thought it was related to some ancient civilization whose origins I never knew. The one that broke into Sam's lab was a dwarf named Mulch, and he only got in because the steel plate in that area had never gotten replaced when they did the repair construction on that part of the complex. They just sheet-rocked over it, so someone like Mulch, who's like a mole, I guess, could bite through easily. Really, it all makes sense, when you look at it compared to… um…" He rummaged through his notes.

"_Fairies_?"

"They prefer to be called "The People", actually."

"Daniel, _we're_ people."

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. This was going to take awhile.

* * *

_Yet another month later_

"Jackie!" Sam exclaimed, sitting daintily on the sofa beside both her niece and a veritable mountain of shopping bags. She looked up when she said this, because S.A.R.A.H.'s telephone system had neither hand nor ear piece, so the voice of the converse conversationalist was usually just piped into the room at large; consequently, Sam tended to glance toward the origin of the sound, if nothing else. Meanwhile, Zoe dug through the results of a strenuous afternoon at the nearest mall.

"Jackie," Sam said again, glancing at the girl on her right to get her attention. "I haven't spoken with you in forever; how are you? How's Rose?"  
"How'd you get this number?" Zoe interrupted.

"Oh dear, who is this? Which question should I answer first?" responded a good-natured, but obviously spastic, British voice.

"It's me, Cousin Sam. And the other voice-" this said with a mock-stern finger-shaking at her niece- "Is Zoe, the cause of our upcoming family reunion."

"Oh, all right. I'm actually looking forward to it; I'm sure it'll be smashing. Dunno if Rose can come, though; she's probably… busy…she's the one who gave me this number; she's really good at finding things like that, you know…" Jackie trailed off.

"Yes, I'm sure." After that, they spoke on a few light subjects, introduced the two unacquainted a little more fully to each other, and essentially just caught up for about half an hour. Seconds after Jackie had hung up, and S.A.R.A.H. had done whatever it was that made the phone conversation end, Jack Carter walked in.

"What is this?" he nearly shouted at the department-store mess of his living room. His daughter ignored him, holding a dark blue peasant top against her front and wrinkling her nose when her aunt jokingly held up a striped maroon skirt next to it. So Sam responded.

"Fifteen years of birthday and Christmas presents Zoe never received," she said, pulling a sheer black blouse out of another bag and shivering as she pulled it on over her own little tank top number. "I asked her if she had any preferences, and she said you never take her clothes shopping."

"It was great, Dad," Zoe added gaily, "Except for this pink polo she forced on me."

"It's wonderful with those flats!"

"Only if I wear the skirt-"

"-Stop it!" This time, he really did shout. "I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm annoyed, and Fargo just asked me if my sister was single -ew- the answer to which I don't even know. Zoe, how long will it be until all these people come, leave, and Sam can stop coming over to help you "prepare"?" As his daughter opened her mouth to answer, he stormed out anyway, yelling that he didn't really care, as long as it was soon, which it was, in fact, not.

"S.A.R.A.H.!" They heard him say irritably in the kitchen. "I'm beyond hungry. What's for lunch?"

"The family has already eaten lunch," said the house venerably. "You failed to inform me that you were coming home for lunch. Colonel Carter remembered, and they had ham, potatoes, and green peas. There are cold leftovers in the refrigerator." Apparently he wasn't particularly cognizant of the finer points of cause and effect, because he just continued to rage after that. His daughter and sister, in the other room, merely went on without him.

"He'll get over it," Sam and Zoe said at the same time. "It just takes a little while." Then they laughed, and the latter began asking more questions about the other members of the family who were supposed to come, many of whom had already responded via the ever-dependable postal service. At that point, one of the subjects of their conversation made that day's second long-distance call.

"Hello?" said an ambiguously accented, gravelly voice. "May I speak to Zoe Carter?"

"Hi!" answered Zoe, barely looking up from her new pile of ebony apparel. "Who's this?"

"I'm… Butler, your cousin from Ireland. I have a few questions about security measures."

The rest of the afternoon consisted of Sam answering his questions, because Zoe wasn't certain of all of them, and an agreement to meet in a few weeks at the Carters' bunker to go over precautionary measures. Juliet was to fly up from Mexico to meet them. Apparently, Butler's charge was quite interested in meeting the former's family, and was unable to be dissuaded, though it did help that Butler's mother and Samantha's, being cousins, had been close friends growing up, so the two knew each other fairly well. Jack, upon entering, actually agreed to the entire ordeal, because he remembered meeting the Butlers a few times as a child before their mother's death, and recalled a liking for them. He even, in his sister's and daughter's prediction of optimism, offered to let Juliet stay with them until the reunion. This was all dependent on whether they could get Henry's permission to have a large group gathering so near such a secret facility. So long as it stayed in S.A.R.A.H. and the nearest town to it, Sam supposed it would be all right, with, again, proper security procedures.

* * *

Thus it went. A few weeks later, during a quiet period at the SGC, Sam visited for the third time, dragging General O'Neill, Daniel, and Teal'c along with her to greet the Butlers, and the elder's young responsibility, the Irish millionaire Artemis Fowl.

Jack (O'Neill) leaned comfortably against his truck; he and Teal'c had taken it, there not being room for all of them plus the security equipment in Sam's car. Sam considered him out of the corner of her shaded eyes, reflecting on how weak his excuse of having too much paperwork had been. He had actually wanted to come; she knew it. Maybe not having much of a family of his own made him want another vicariously, or maybe he just wanted-

The private jet landed in the Denver air port, only minutes after Juliet's flight. She and Zoe, shockingly similar in appearance, waved enthusiastically as two figures, one tiny in comparison with the other, emerged. They walked purposefully toward the small group, and Juliet greeted her colossal brother with a hug. Then he pointed wordlessly to the black sedan he'd acquired from one of his Colorado connections (Sam recalled thoughtfully as she got into her car that his line of work required many associations, but she hadn't expected any in Denver) with the indication that the open airport was too dangerous to stand about talking idly, so with promises of further discussion when they arrived near Eureka, the band left in their four vehicles with few words and in short order. Sam did, however, notice a nod of greeting and a hint of a smile in Butler's stern grey eyes.

They were all more at ease reclining in Jack Carter's living room several hours later, particularly Butler, because an underground bunker to which Sam had made certain he'd had the blueprints several weeks in advance was just generally safer than the airport, so he could let up his guard at least slightly. He even smiled a few times during the introductions, which the tinderbox to this big proverbial family fire had made.

"Okay, so I'm Zoe, and I guess I started all this- this is my dad, Jack Carter, and his sister, Samantha Carter; I guess we all know her, and these are…" Sam finished where Zoe got lost.  
"General Jack O'Neill, United States Air Force, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c Murray. Juliet and… Butler, and…" she glanced at the palely serious, yet slightly amused-looking youth on the chair across the room. "Artemis Fowl?"

"Everyone, meet everyone," Zoe finished firmly with a flourish. She stood, spreading her arms wide. "Anyone care for a drink?" Everyone shrugged, and resumed staring awkwardly at each other, so Zoe sat again, looking curiously around.

Finally, though no one knew how, several conversations began at once. Butler, recognizing with approval Teal'c's obvious aura of a warrior, asked from which side of the family he came; Jack (not Carter) jumped in and said that he was from Mozambique, and that neither of them was actually a member of the family, but "co-workers" of Colonel Carter. Despite this small detail, the three got on quite well for a while regaling each other with glorious battle stories, each trying very hard to disclude the top-secret aspects of his story, but Teal'c working hardest to replace all words involving "Jaffa", "Goa'uld", or "staff weapon". Artemis asked Daniel a question about his doctorate, but his pale blue eyes barely flickered with interest when the response involved archaeology based under a mountain. Sam, Zoe, and Juliet spoke on the last's days in Mexico as a champion wrestler at sixteen, which Zoe found incredibly empowering, and Sam thought fit Juliet perfectly. Jack (not O'Neill) went to the kitchen to make a phone call he'd forgotten earlier.

Thus it went, until Artemis stood and coolly asked, in his nobly Irish voice, where their restroom was. Zoe looked up in surprise, having forgotten him, and looked at him fully for the first time. She smiled, said, "Yeah, over this way," and led him to it. Then she resumed her conversation.

Artemis stayed in there for quite a while. Eventually, Butler became somewhat worried, so Daniel offered to go over and ask if anything was wrong. He jumped up and walked in the direction the boy had gone.

"Holly, please!" He heard clearly from outside the door. "All of the research I have been able to do has come up empty. I know Butler's family are involved in several American things of top secrecy, because whenever I looked them up online, I ended up at pages too encrypted for even me to break into. Foaly is the only person who can find out what they're up to." At that point, Daniel forgot whatever the boy might be doing in there, and opened the door to find out what he knew about their various top secret affiliations. The names Holly and Foaly sounded vaguely familiar, too….

"What are you doing?" asked the archaeologist, who pushed his glass further up on the bridge of his nose and then folded his arms as menacingly as he could. Artemis sat on the edge of the bathtub and spoke into his smallest finger, the other stretched to his ear in a mockery of a telephone; he glanced up, surprised. However, it appeared that he deemed Daniel to be of little consequence, because after that, he just switched to French, explaining shortly that Butler's cousin Samantha's obnoxious archaeologist friend had just walked in.

"Que faites-vous ?" repeated Daniel somewhat testily. He _could_ speak French, and this arrogant child shouldn't underestimate people. Artemis's eyes widened, and he changed to Russian.

"Вы делаете?" Daniel requested a third time. Artemis could try any language on or off the planet. Still, this continued for a few minutes, until the Irish boy finally smirked and began speaking Gnommish to this "Holly" person.

Daniel shook his head, sat on the toilet, and asked in Gnommish if they were going to quit this charade. At that point, the rest of the family (of which the two were not even members), congregated worriedly outside the open door. Perhaps they had _both_ met with the same accident.

Upon hearing their conversation, Daniel's voice matter-of-fact and Artemis's astonished, Sam inquired as to whether they were speaking that fairy language of about a month before. At this, Butler himself appeared shocked. In a massive sort of way.

"Wow," murmured Zoe, kicking her dad surreptitiously. "How come we had to miss out on this type of cool family gathering? And they're not even _in_ our family!"

Daniel responded. "I knew that name sounded familiar! Is that Holly Short? Artemis, listen to me; we know about them." He looked around for a sheaf of papers to refer to, but he had unfortunately left them all in his lab.

At this, the boy sighed bemusedly, asked Holly in English if he could call her back, and further, more in-depth introductions were made. The members of the SGC didn't explain their doings under Cheyenne Mountain, the Carters didn't explain about Eureka, and Artemis and Butler didn't explain about the former's former life of crime. Essentially, they all professed to be explaining everything, when really Juliet was the only one who came clean. This time, they just all knew that they knew about fairies. With the exception of Jack and Zoe Carter, who were discluded from the conversation because even they didn't have that much clearance.

In the living room afterwards, Jack Carter leaned back and rubbed his face with the heels of his hands. This was all by and large too confusing for him, which said a lot, since he lived a town full of insane scientists.

Artemis was still dissatisfied with the non-response about the Stargate program. He _knew_ there was something going on still, but Sam would still only admit to deep-space radar telemetry; he didn't really care, though: he knew Holly and Foaly would fill him in later. Later, he would ask Butler just how it was that he was related to a scientific genius he'd never met, and Butler would reply that his young master never inquired of his family.


	3. Chapter Three

Season: 8

Spoilers: next to none. A minor one from Upgrades, but nothing that'll ruin anything.

Pairings: not really… if anything S/J, but only because that's my ship.

Genre: Humor mainly, definitely crossover.

Disclaimer: All components of this fic (namely Doctor Who, Artemis Fowl, Eureka, and Stargate SG-1) are owned, not by me, but by their respective owners; BBC, Eoin Colfer, Whoever owns Eureka –possibly scifi- and Gekko/MGM/Double Secret/etc.

I also did not write this fic. It was written, somewhat reluctantly, by my sister, who is in the possession of a plethora of writing talent which I do not have. She has no account, and doesn't want one anyway, but I didn't want to deprive the world of the strangest crossover in the land of ff.n.

Summary: Sam goes to Eureka for a family reunion, and meets up with, among others, her brother Jack Carter, her Irish cousins the Butlers, and her British cousins the Tylers.

Yeah, uh, sorry about the huge updating delay... I'm not good about that...If you ever decide I need to update this more often, pm me and when I've posted everything written I'll yell at my sister to write some more. Onward now.

**Chapter Three**

_Yet another incredibly eventful but the author is too lazy to write about, month later_

**Day One of the Week-Long Reunion**

S.A.R.A.H. was filled to brimming, and elated, or as elated as a Smart House could get. Finally possessing a real family to clean up after and care and cook for, she (the dwelling) regularly outdid herself in meal preparation for the duration of the extravaganza. Seventy-odd Carters and relatives of Sam's mother gathered with their friends in the fortunately spacious bunker and on the enormous yard area outside, bordered by a complex net of advanced holograms and force fields to prevent anyone stumbling into Eureka. Zoe and Juliet had spent weeks setting up a badminton net, basketball goal, miniature golf course, and ping-pong tables outside, and Jack (O'Neill) happily grilled to his heart's content to supplement S.A.R.A.H.'s efforts, though all of his menu items involved meat and/or beer.

"Just think, Butler," Artemis said as they strolled past a gaggle of little blonde girls arguing over who had hit the ball into the clown's mouth, "If your father hadn't married a woman of such far-reaching familial connections, we would not be here, at such a fascinating gathering, even if the females seem unaware of the fact that blonde hair is a recessive gene." He stepped lightly over a putter thrown in a fit of tantrum rage by one of the little girls, whose towheaded mother soon came to reprimand her.

Inside, Daniel attempted vainly to avoid a flock of barely pubescent girls, who were intent upon hearing about his Indiana Jones-esque adventures, most of which were classified anyway. He ended up hiding out in Zoe's room with several other male cousins and Sam's brothers, and they discussed sports, which wasn't much of an improvement; he eventually coerced a few of the brighter ones into a chess championship, making him the male intellectual life of the party. Sam, on the sofa downstairs, quickly finished a few equations she'd been putting off, and Teal'c played a long and humiliating (but not for him) game of table tennis with the general, who was taking a break from a strenuous afternoon of steaks and hot dogs. Zoe was ecstatic; all went as she had wished, and she got to meet what seemed like thousands of new people similar to her, in more than just hair color.

After a while, Artemis, now inside, walked over to Sam, sitting uninterestedly on the white settee beside her. She barely glanced up as she pulled the edge of her pale blue gauzy summer dress out from beneath him, and then continued along on her written train of thought. The boy then derailed it with a question: "Shouldn't that be a vector equation?"

"What?" Aside from the small dress issue, she hadn't really noticed the company. She barely heard him at all, filled as the room was with people and conversations.

He pointed to a place in the middle of a set of formulas, and repeated himself: "There- shouldn't that be a vector equation?"

"No," said Sam carefully, "It's about how gravity affects someone… under different conditions…"

"You still need the gravitational constant. Otherwise, your entire page of work makes no sense. Sometimes, it can be considered small enough to ignore, but it doesn't look like that's what you are getting at there." He looked up from the paper and folded his arms smugly. Butler had claimed to have a cousin or two as or nearly as frightfully clever as he was, and this one he had said was a physicist of some sort. Not much of one, obviously, if she didn't understand gravity.

Sam sighed, shook a strand of gold out of her eyes, and set her papers on the end table beside her in what space she could find between the beverage containers and suchlike. She turned to him.

"Listen, I'm a theoretical astrophysicist, and I'm trying to figure out how mass is affected by a wormhole, which -in theory- has neither gravity nor friction. I appreciate you trying to help, but really…."

"How do you know? Would one not be attracted to the interstellar bodies on the sides of the wormhole?"

"No." She tried not to grow more exasperated, especially since by this time other members of the family were beginning to sit down beside them. She knew that a few would even understand what they were talking about. "It's a bend in space, _theoretically_ without much proximity to other celestial bodies."

"Unless the starting point and the ending point were in syzygy with another planet, sun or meteoroid, and then gravity _would_ have an effect."

Sam sighed, yet again. The brat had a point. She recalled the time that SG-1's wormhole had passed through a sun, causing the planet's sky to turn red and the sun to nearly go nova. That had been a problem. Fortunately, Freyr had saved the day, as was the Asgard's wont. Again, fortunately.

The pale boy waited for a reply. He smiled again, thinking he had won, but not expecting a response from the woman who he thought conceited.

"Yes," said Sam frankly just as he had begun to get up. "You're completely right, it would. However, in this case, and _theoretically_, that doesn't happen- at least, not often."

It took a few minutes more before they were telling scientist jokes, but they did, and the other people around them began a few minutes later to join in.

"…and when the young chap at the counter asked if Descartes wanted French fries with his meal," continued Sam's kindly British uncle a while later, "he said, 'I think not', and disappeared!" Everyone laughed, Zoe included.

It was Artemis's turn to be ecstatic. He loved Butler's family, as he loved other geniuses. It was only too bad that so few were his own age, and that his bodyguard's cousin, who knew unfathomably about fairies and wormholes alike, was so shrouded in secrecy which he'd been unable to discover. In any case, he vowed to ascertain what it really was they were all doing.

"So, can I call him "Uncle Jack"?" Zoe asked Daniel hours later as they descended the stairs, she somewhat uncharacteristically skipping from excitement and he trying to hide a wad of bills in a briefcase. It hadn't been _his_ idea to play for money; he had even discouraged it. Jack Carter should have known better.

"No… why?" he responded perplexedly. "Am I "Uncle Daniel"? Is Teal'c "Uncle Teal'c"?"

"No… I won't explain it to you, if you don't get it." She rolled her eyes at the idiocy of males, and went out to say good-bye to the last few remaining on their ways to the hotel the family had essentially reserved for the occasion. Sam and Mark, along with his wife and children, were staying with the Carters, surprisingly at Jack's request. He said that he and Zoe had missed out on too much with the rift between him and his siblings, and that S.A.R.A.H. would probably never forgive him. Jack (the other one), Daniel, and Teal'c were all going to the same hotel, which was why Daniel headed out with Zoe at that point.

Outside, the same exasperated towheaded mothers were dragging the same screaming girls away from the same clown, but more well-behaved relatives were saying their goodbyes for the day. One of Sam's favorites, Janice Cochrane, a tired-looking woman in the family way, kissed her on the cheek and agreed to meet her for coffee once she had the baby. "Unnamed," she said, proudly patting her stomach. Sam laughed, and watched her join the droves of cars leaving the September-twilit yard. Still many others sat on lawn chairs beside mosquito-prevention candles and seemed happy to stay, talk, and watch the stars come out for as long as they could.

One of the women sitting in a chair, coincidentally beside Samantha, had a fairly spastic demeanor and a British accent. Zoe had not met her before.

"Zoe!" Sam stood. "This is your second or third cousin, I forget which, Jackie Tyler."

The new woman stood and extended a hand, her teeth shining brightly white in the candle-light. Zoe recoiled from the glare, but took her new cousin's hand.

"Terribly sorry to come on such short notice; but I lost your phone number, and then when Rose finally got back to me with it again, I was already at the airport, and then…" Jackie grinned a little sheepishly. Zoe took one look at her good-natured spazziness and decided she liked her anyway.

"Tell me, Jackie," said Sam, "Did you remember to reserve a room in the hotel we mailed you about?"

"..The...hotel?"

Zoe sighed. "If she didn't reserve a room, there won't be any left. She'd have to sleep in, like, someone's car. Jackie, I'm sure you can stay with us. If you don't mind the sofa, I guess. Aunt Sam already has a cot in my room, and Aunt Melodie, Uncle Mark, and their kids have the guest rooms, so…"

"I don't mind at all! A car would be far less comfortable than… anything…"

Jack Carter reluctantly agreed to the addition, S.A.R.A.H. seemed nearly to have an aneurism from excitement, and the three women sat once more in a group with the others under the stars to discuss their lives, as women in a fairly matriarchal family are wont to do.

Daniel strolled out of one pool of garish electric light and into another, this one containing the other two members of SG-1. They were, once more, playing ping-pong.

"Agh!" yelled Jack, jumping for the ball and missing. He backed into another man who had just come around the bunker, apologized, picked up the small white subject of the game, and narrowed his eyes at the carefully not-smug Teal'c. "You did that on purpose," he said.

Teal'c blinked his eyes innocently (or as innocently as an ordinarily menacing Jaffa could be) and stated calmly, "Your turn to serve, O'Neill."

The man Jack had bumped into widened his eyes, stepped forward, and asked in yet another excited British accent if they were playing table tennis. Neither warrior was willing to pause the battle for a second to answer, so Daniel did for them, in the affirmative.

"Ahh…" said the man, "I love this game."

Daniel was just a slight bit, as usual, perplexed. If this man was another of Sam's relatives, then wouldn't he know that there had been a ping-pong table in the corner next to the "house", or "bunker", or whatever it was for quite a while? But then, he did seem to be a little more intelligently dressed for the weather than the others. Everyone else wore shorts, T-shirts, and the like, even though it was September; this man had on a warmer tailored pinstriped suit.

"Who's winning?" asked he in the suit.

Again, the archaeologist answered, but this time with a small grimace and a finger pointed in the direction of Teal'c, this due to the fact that the General grew still more agitated the more the score rose against him. He walked around, pulled the man away by the shoulder, and whispered once they were out of earshot, "He gets touchy about these things."

"Ahh." Once more, knowingly British.

"Soo… I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson." He extended his hand.

"Doctor..." said the other distractedly.

"Doctor who?"

At that moment, another blonde girl came from behind the bunker, and smiled at the doctor in the pinstriped suit.

"Soo… where or when are we?" she asked, completely ignoring Daniel.

"About that…" said the doctor, looking at him questioningly. The archeologist raised his eyebrows. This was some sort of joke, wasn't it? Eureka was top-secret, and one doesn't just stumble across family reunions. And how could they not know the year?

"It's 2004. You're at the Carter family reunion, on Earth, I guess… don't you know that?"

"Oh!" The doctor, whoever he was, clapped his hands. "Fantastic… we're in the western United States, I'd guess…" he began muttering to himself and wandering around in a small circle, and the girl walked up to Daniel and smiled, her enormously white teeth nearly blinding him.

"Sorry, he gets that way sometimes," she grinned again. "Rose Tyler."

"Daniel Jackson," he responded curiously. "There's a Tyler over there who said her daughter's named Rose. Is that just a coincidence?"

It wasn't. As they spoke over such issues, the "Tyler over there" heard the name Rose and glanced up. The Rose she heard of and saw was, in fact, her prodigal daughter.

"ROSE!" The spastic, blonde, British, and yet very loving mother ran over to her fairly shocked daughter, who had never in her entire life expected to _accidentally_ attend a family reunion. She didn't much like them in the first place.

"MUM?"

By this point, Jack -O'Neill, that is- had taken interest. He turned away from the current source of his misery, cocked a hand on his hip, and asked, "So… you didn't know she was coming?" He obviously thought Sam's cousin an exceedingly responsible parent.

"Well, no… I didn't know if she could make it, that is, well…" that flustered her.

All of the shouting and carrying-on had attracted the rest of the people gathered on the lawn, who were now limited to the Butlers, Artemis, Zoe, Sam, and her twin brothers. They listened intently as the scene unfolded.

"What's going on?" This was Zoe. Her party was taking a turn for the stranger, and she at least wanted to know why. Not that she didn't revel in the excitement. "You're my cousin Rose, right? Did you ever RSVP?"

"No… I don't think I got an invitation."

"Well, stay the night here, I guess… I wouldn't ask you to go all the way back to England or wherever just because of the stupid Postal Service, which, by the way, kind of sucks anyway. I mean-" she glanced at her father pleadingly- "You can stay if Dad says you can."

"Well," said Jack Carter in a tone of complete and utter confusion, "I guess, since we know you, and your mother already is, and it's family, and you have nowhere else to stay, and… who's this guy? Your boyfriend?"

"No!"

"No!" The man and Rose answered vehemently in the negative at the same time, looked at each other, looked away, and then looked at the Carters. Awkward silence.

"Well, thank you," said Rose eventually. Since it was settled, the men-folk started to wander off, and Jack and Teal'c continued their game of ping-pong. Sam and Zoe stepped a little further into the circle of light cast by the large yard-candle, and inquired as to the name and nature of Rose's not-boyfriend, who seemed a little old for her tender nineteen years anyway.

"Dr. John Smith," he said with a winning smile. Zoe rolled her eyes, muttering something about how very ordinary that was. Something sparked behind Sam's eyes, but no one noticed, because they all noticed something sparking behind the brown ones of the good doctor they questioned, namely, as he looked at his companion's cousin Samantha.

Daniel folded his arms. Weird was weird, and part of his daily life, but this was kind of creepy.

"Okay, I'm Daniel Jackson, and this is General Jack O'Neill, and Teal'c Murray. We're Sam's… colleagues. Sooo… you're Sam's cousin Rose," he looked at Rose, "and you're, who?"

"The Doctor," said Sam with a grin.

The Doctor sighed, not unhappily. He could never get anything past Sam.

Daniel also sighed. He was so very confused.

Zoe, the last to sigh, did. "So…_what_?" She crossed her arms annoyedly.

Rose just stood there and shook her head as Daniel asked, "Doctor _who_? Smith?"

Instead of answering all of these valid questions, and possibly making this twilight confrontation easier, Sam and the man of questionable profession simply stared at each other. This was all until Jack (both O'Neill and Carter, incidentally) tapped her on the shoulder and demanded, "Carter?" and "Samantha?" simultaneously.

"It's hard to explain," she finally replied. "Maybe we should go inside."

"Indeed." This was not Teal'c, but Artemis, who was beginning to resent the mosquitoes on his vitamin D-deficient, sensitive skin. He also resented not feeling like he had any clue of what was going on, which he didn't. Butler resented this man's ability to infiltrate the secure perimeter, though an earlier surreptitious mechanical sweep had shown him to be clean of weapons- except that one blip, but that was probably just interference from all the sonic activity going on in Eureka.

Once inside the bunker, and seated somewhat crampedly in Jack Carter's living room, Zoe took charge, rubbing her hands together excitedly. She rather liked having such a huge extended family, strange though it may be.

"Do we have to do the introductions thing all over again?" That part was getting annoying. Meanwhile, Mark and his wife excused themselves to put their children to bed.

Unfortunately, they did do the "introductions thing" all over again. Once Sam had introduced her friends to Rose and Jackie, and Jack had introduced his daughter, the staring commenced again at this "Doctor". He smiled charmingly, and held up a leather wallet with an announcement of his name and title.

"Oh!" exclaimed Daniel, while Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and Jack and Zoe Carter pretended to be knowledgeable. "You're the famous _diplomat_ John Smith! Dr. Weir told me all about you once, when…" Suddenly, he noticed a funny look on General O'Neill's face.

"I may need glasses or something," said the confused-looking Air Force officer, "But I don't see anything. Just a piece of paper stuck in your wallet."

"What are you talking about?" asked a sudden, snotty Irish voice. They had all forgotten about Artemis. "It says right there, 'Dr. John D. Smith, United Kingdom…" he stopped, because he, like Daniel, noticed a strange expression on someone's face. It was Sam.

"Well, Doctor," she leaned back with a grin. "Looks like you'll have to take it from here. It's hard to fool the General." The General, who, along with his archeologist friend and second-in-command's cousin's ward, was quite confused. And everyone else.

The Doctor, however confused he may have been, grinned even wider than Sam. "Brilliant!" he said, shaking his head. Then, he held out his hand to O'Neill, who responded to the handshake offer with a doubtful look and a disinclined participation. "Would you happen to have any… psychic experience? Training? Anything?"

This was too much for General O'Neill, of course. Disentangling his hand from that of the good doctor, he faced Sam and demanded, "Carter, what's going on here? You seem to know as well as anyone else. Please, do tell."

She coughed quickly and was serious again. Glancing from one face to another in this ring of family members and associates, she was somewhat unsure of what to do. How much clearance would this situation require to explain? Moreover, who here had it?

"Well?" asked Artemis as Mark and Melodie Carter came downstairs. "I am not particularly familiar with military protocol, but if you are a Colonel, and he's a General, then that was an order you should follow."

"What?" asked Mark Carter, sitting. Melodie merely said good-night and went _back_ upstairs to sleep.

"Carter…" repeated Jack O'Neill warningly.

"Yes?" responded a distracted Sam, Jack, Mark, and Zoe. Just then, as fortune, fate, and luck would have it, Mark's cell phone rang, so he held up his finger and went to answer it in the kitchen, as all polite people in usage of such devices ought to do. Her brother thusly gotten rid of for the moment, Sam attempted to explain all to those present, with the quick assumption that there wasn't really clearance high enough for this, so she needn't limit herself.

"All right," she began, as General O'Neill sighed exasperatedly and leaned back. "This man," she gestured anticlimactically toward he of the pinstriped suit, "is The Doctor." There was little to no reaction from either the rest of SG-1 or the Carters or the Butlers, but rather, from the unrelated Artemis Fowl.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "The Doctor!" He seemed ready to have an epileptic fit. Sam seemed merely amused, and nearly spoke again, but Artemis did: "You see, I've had Torchwood hacked for about five years now, so… are you really _The_ Doctor? Last I knew, you didn't really have… well…"

"Hair? Or at least, big hair?" asked The Doctor brightly.

"Precisely. Regeneration?"

"Of course. New face, same man, sort of."

"Meaning?!" asked Jack and Jack at the same time. Daniel's head was in his hands, Rose and Jackie Tyler, as well as the Butlers, appeared annoyed, Zoe was excited, and Teal'c, well, he just sort of raised his eyebrow to show that he was generally opposed to the confusing goings-on.

Artemis smiled thinly. Finally, he knew more about what was happening than anyone else. Except, of course, for Jackie, Rose, Sam, and the Doctor himself.

"I'm a Timelord," he said cheerfully. "Rose is my companion, these days."

"Wait… you're _an alien_?" asked Jack (Carter, of course).

Teal'c frowned. Which was really scary, so it was good that Jack didn't notice.

Zoe glanced about, and then raised her hand. "Why are you telling all of us, then? If you're an alien or whatever, shouldn't you be a little more secret about it? I mean, you just told a room of like fifteen people, most of whom are your "companion" 's relatives. I mean, really!"

Rose cocked her head and looked at the Doctor. "Keeping it in the family, are we?"

"In a sense. Except for those fellows, I suppose." He gestured toward Artemis and his entourage.

He was about to say more, but Mark Carter came in, apologizing profusely. "I had to take that, business, you know," he began, as his sister stood up and clapped her hands in a "we're-finished-now-it's-too-bad-but-actually-we're-lucky-that-you-got-distracted-and-didn't-have-to-be-involved-in-our-top-secret-conversation-and-get-your-memory-wiped-or-sign-a-contract-or-something" kind of way. Sort of. Not that Mark knew it.

"You know what?" asked Zoe, getting the hint and showing an impressively acted tired expression. "It's probably time we all went to bed. I mean, it's like one a.m., and everyone else will be here really early tomorrow morning, and lack of sleep sort of sucks. Right?"

This was a good excuse for everyone, and the group broke up so quickly that eventually only Mark, Sam, Rose and the Doctor were left standing in the living room. Awkwardly. Mark glanced questioningly at his sister, who just introduced to the well-dressed newcomer as "the Doctor, Rose's friend". Rose and her friend smiled winningly and went outside, where Mark assumed their car was. They wouldn't just sleep outside, would they? Sam had disappeared.

"All right, then," said Mark Carter, standing alone in the middle of his brother's top-secret (though he didn't know it) living room. He loved his family, but no one in it ever seemed to be able to explain much of anything to him. They all always acted so secretive. Oh well, he was probably just imagining it.


	4. Chapter Four

Le note from Le Author: Ahem. Okay, so there are a bunch of things wrong with this to make it work, so I'm going to just let anyone who is as nitpicky as I am know that we're assuming here that the whole Eureka thing actually takes place in 2005, not 2006, (ish) so's to coincide with Season 8 of Stargate, (this takes place roughly right after the end of it) that there isn't the whole "the-world-knows-about-aliens-because-of-the-Christmas-Invasion" thing from Doctor Who, that Zoe Carter's natural hair color is actually blonde, and most things with Artemis Fowl are just different and wrong; if you find something chronologically wrong with anything, it's probably because I had to tweak it to have fun. And fun is more fun than accuracy, right? Anyway. Bear with me.

Kay, so disclaimer the next: there is a new reference here that, if you get it, you get virtual invisible cookies. Woo hoo for you. It'll be completely wrong, again, chronologically, but is any of this real anyway?

And sorry for going forever without updating. I really am just that lazy.

Artemis was ecstatic. Again. He had finally figured out the secret of Butler's cousin Samantha and her friends, despite their impressive ability to hide it under that mountain in Colorado. He walked up to the woman as she stood beside the stove, smiling slightly as Jack, and not her brother, either, attempted to make omelets. Every time, he decided there just wasn't enough beer. Or meat. Teal'c was eating the rejects.

"So, how is Torchwood?" asked Artemis casually, leaning against the counter next to Sam.

Sam didn't look up. "Torchwhat?"

He rolled his eyes. Playing dumb didn't work on him, because he had done it far too often to get what he wanted. He was, after all, only fourteen.

"Torchwood, Ms. Carter; I'd been reading hints of a planned underground installation, but I didn't expect it to be this soon, or even in this country."

Jack set a plate of "perfect" omelets on the table, pride gracing his features. "What's this kid talking about, Carter?"

"Honestly, Sir, I haven't the faintest idea."

"Don't lie to me; how else do you know the Doctor?" The boy was gloating. A lot. And then Jack wanted to know how she knew the man with apparently no actual medical degree or form of identification, Teal'c ate another omelet, and Daniel walked in to find out what everyone was doing.

"We met once, is all…" Sam said desperately. Everyone looked at her. "Okay, the previous Doctor, actually."

That didn't help. "Carter, you do not just meet random aliens outside of Roswell, New Mexico. Who is this guy? How many of him are there? And what's with the questions about my psychic training? I'm not exactly Miss Cleo."

"And what is a 'Time Lord'?" asked Teal'c.

Artemis explained for her. Everything. And snottily. There was only a trace less self-assurance in his voice, and that was only because he now believed SG-1 in saying they didn't work at Torchwood. He hadn't actually cracked their mystery. There was another thing he had to know now, though….

"How did you meet him, again? The online files into which I hacked don't have you listed as a companion."

"I almost was, though…" Sam said softly, her voice trailing off…

"_You can come with me, you know…it'll be fantastic!"_

_A small, sad smile. "Thanks, but I actually have a job now that may someday take me to other sides of the galaxy without the TARDIS or any ship."_

"_Oh, you found that silly little ring those other fellows built? I'll bet it's not this comfortable."_

"_I don't know, it doesn't even work yet."_

"_See? But I'll bet if anyone can make it work, you can. Brilliant, you are."_

"_Thanks."_

"_If you're sure…it'll be just us two doctors, and the universe is a very big place."_

"_I know. Believe me, I do. I hope you find what you're looking for, because I think I have."_

_A last grin, a waving of the hand, a flash of light, and he was gone. For years, she looked for a blue police box on every planet, and she never found one. But that was all right, too. SG-1 was her life now._

"Aunt Sam, all the other people are coming again!" Zoe ran in, slipping in her socks on the hardwood floor. "What did we have planned for today?"

Shaken from her reverie, Sam glanced at the flustered teenager before her. Juliet stepped in behind her. She grinned. "More of the same, except S.A.R.A.H. wanted to make chicken today. And you have to meet your cousin Rose properly."

"And that doctor guy. What's up with him?"

The colonel glanced at the other inhabitants of the kitchen. "It's a long, complicated, confusing story. Maybe someday, I'll tell it to you."

Later that afternoon, the party was in full swing. Daniel had found some uncle-cousin-nephew-in-law of Sam's with a degree from Cambridge who had read his theses on the Giza pyramids, and said that he had always secretly thought they were landing sites for alien ships too. Daniel was very careful to speak in theories. Teal'c sat with Butler again, and both discussed various forms of violence while scanning the security of the area. Jack O'Neill beat the Doctor at ping-pong. Badly.

Sam introduced Zoe to more of the British side of the family, including but not limited to old (but still blonde) Aunt Susan, who was entertaining some of the younger children with stories about her childhood in the second world war. Zoe thought that Aunt Susan acted batty and traumatized for some reason.

About midday, Fargo came from Eureka to "inform Sheriff Carter of something", or, as Zoe said, "stalk Aunt Sam". He took the long way around the party, that which brought him by the colonel, and then hurried on past after discovering her to be surrounded by a group of about five men who were all far more formidable and good-looking than he was.

"It was just Teal'c, Daniel, General O'Neill, the Doctor, and Butler," Sam told Zoe after this observation was amusedly brought to light. Jack Carter just sighed; he had never liked how comfortable his little sister always seemed to be around other boys, and how she never found anything odd about it.

Zoe walked around to the back of the bunker, having seen her cousin Rose go off in that direction, and was somewhat shocked to discover what looked like a big blue telephone booth sitting in the middle of her backyard. Then, that doctor man, who was apparently an alien, but no one was freaking out about it, walked out of it, and Rose, and Jackie, and… how many people were going to fit in there? And what was it doing in her backyard?

She didn't have much time to wonder, because suddenly there was a nearly blinding flash of light, and Zoe heard screams. She turned around and ran.

"Dad! Dad! What was that?" Sheriff Carter had no better idea what was going on than his daughter -they were right by Eureka, after all, and his sister seemed to draw trouble- but he started ushering people inside the house anyway.

"Yes, Janice, everything's fine; I think it's one of those freak weather things, you know… Jared, yes, I know, I'm actually a U.S. Marshal, so I'm qualified to handle emergency situations… get inside kids, that's where your parents are right now… I know, it was weird, wasn't it? Some sort of lightning, I'm sure of it, but let's get everyone inside in case it happens again…"

Zoe refused to go inside with the little children and random relatives. "What if I can help?"

"I really don't think any of your fortes would be helpful right now."

"You mean, we're not going to need to steal any cars or listen to death metal? Dad, be serious; I'm not a little kid!"

They were interrupted by the ringing of Jack's cell phone. At the same time, phones all over the front yard were ringing, and even Artemis Fowl, standing in the protective shadow of the Butlers in a corner scoped and secured days before, was talking into his finger.

"Yes, Henry, a blinding flash of light! Well, no, I'm not actually blind, but it was really bright. Okay, a really really bright flash of light. Yes, I'm sure I saw it! Everyone in my entire family saw it! No, Sam's on the phone with one of her top-secret people right now. I know it's my job to find out what's going on, but I just wanted to know if any of your wacky machines were to blame!"

"No sir, yes sir. I would recommend you come outside, and bring Daniel. Teal'c saw it, and he says it doesn't look like any Goa'uld technology he's ever seen, but then, that doesn't say much, because… I know. No, I don't think it's any of my "wacky machines," sir."

"Holly, I'm still in Oregon. Yes, in the United States. Butler's family reunion. Yes, he has a family! In any case, we just saw an extremely bright, short-term flash of white light. Butler's cousin has been telling everyone it's a weather issue… no, not Samantha Carter, Foaly. What do you know about her? Don't all speak at once. No, Foaly, it isn't one of my "wacky machines!""

"Mum? Mum, stay inside. There was just a really bright flash of light, and the Doctor's investigating... he has one of his wacky machines out. Yes, I know, but I'll be fine. He's with me, after all. And do you know anything that could possibly hurt me while I'm inside the TARDIS? Don't answer that. Anyway, stay inside, because it's like a fortress in Jack's house, and he says there isn't a safer place on earth. Lucky us, eh?"

"Melodie? It's Mark. Yes, you probably know my voice by now, sweetie, I'm just a little frazzled. Honey, I have Cinda, is Beth inside with you? Good. It's nothing to worry about, I asked Jack and Sam, and they both say there's some freak weather thing… don't start the military secrecy, thing, honey, they're in different branches. Of course the house is safe, have you seen the lightning rod on that thing? I'm sure if nothing else, Sam works with weather stuff all the time, and could make some wacky machine to test whatever's going on. That's her job. I know, yes… I'll bring Cinda in in just a minute."

When she was finished with her phone, Sam looked around her to make sure everyone had gotten inside. There were a few mothers dragging little girls inside S.A.R.A.H., but other than that, there were only her brothers and their daughters, her cousin Rose and the Doctor, her cousins Juliet Butler and Just Butler –that was what Zoe called him, "Just"- and their charge, and Teal'c. Then she noticed Aunt Susan still sitting in a lawn chair looking at the sky. Sam walked over to her, and her brother (not Jack) met her.

"Sam? I'm taking my daughter inside. Could you call me the second you know what's going on?" Colonel Carter nodded vaguely, mostly hearing Aunt Susan's mutterings about hearing a horn. Mark shook his head. "Say goodbye to Aunt Sam."

Suddenly, Cinda Carter spoke up. "Aunt Sam? Aunt Samantha… _Carter_?"

"Um, yes, honey, that's what we call her, unless she's changed her name. She certainly isn't Sam Shanahan." Luckily for him, Sam didn't hear that part.

"…Daddy?"  
"Yes?"

"Do you have a mirror?"

Sam looked at the eight-year-old strangely. "I do."

The blonde little girl looked in her aunt's compact, her eyes widened, and she said two words it seemed she had said before, although one couldn't quite be certain of when.

"Oh boy."


	5. Chapter Five

When Henry Deacon arrived at the outside of S.A.R.A.H., it was a strangely forlorn sight. Set up on empty tennis and picnic tables and miniature golf courses, all intended for outdoor fun, were various forms of scientific equipment, with Jack Carter leaning against his house looking rather harried and talking on his phone. Samantha Carter had brought all of SG-1 with her, he noticed with a smile, and a few of them were struggling with a telescope set up on a ping-pong table, while Daniel Jackson spoke in increasingly aggravated tones with someone named Bill Lee on his cell phone.

"No, no, no, I haven't seen any ships. Can't you just e-mail me the satellite telemetry? Uh… yeah I have clearance. Yes yes, I know you're busy with your new plant project, but a whole bunch of Colonel Carter's civilian family members just saw a huge flash of light and I need something to tell them. If the truth isn't classified, I'll tell them that."

Henry saw Zoe and a pale Irish boy talking to another blonde girl and a couple of huge menacing men, and decided to go help the thin man in pinstripes and blonde girl in polka dots with the strange contraption they had out.

"Just a little more adjusting on the flux debilitator… rearrange the feedback…" the man was saying, "Oh, hello! I'm the Doctor, this is-"

"-Rose Tyler, Samantha and Jack Carter's cousin-"

"I'm Henry Deacon. And you're working on… what?"

"Aw, you know, just a little… weather… thing… there!" He stood up and flipped a switch. The "weather thing" lit up, hummed, sparked, let out a trail of smoke, and died with a sort of whistling sound.

"Never mind."

"Here, let me help."

Henry and the Doctor each pulled from his jacket a tool, and then eyed the other's with surprise.

"Sonic screwdriver?"

"Sonic wrench?"

They smiled at each other. Rose rolled her eyes, and went to see what Cinda and Aunt Susan were talking about.

"So… this flash of light, what do you think it was?" the little girl was asking.

"I don't know, dear, really, I don't…" Rose grinned at her aunt, who she hadn't seen in nearly a decade. She rather missed the family reunions, which had stopped when Mrs. Carter died years ago. Good excuse for a vacation, her mother always said, and they had always met Aunt Susan, who was really just a seventy-something cousin, at the airport, because she refused to ride trains. She said they were too dangerous, but that was because her entire family had died on one decades before. Rose supposed that would make anyone rather loath to take a train.

"Aunt Susan, wouldn't you feel safer inside?" Rose asked. Aunt Susan smiled distantly.

"I've seen danger in my dreams, in my childhood games, Rose, that you may never see in real life. Or maybe you have. Just be careful not to forsake your dreams, or they'll forsake you."

Rose shook her head sadly. Aunt Susan was getting to be a little mad. Then her cell rang, and it was her mother. She excused herself, and left little Cinda, who for some reason was acting more somber than usual, to try to figure out what the old lady was ranting on about.

"No, we haven't found what it was yet. They're getting close, though. The Doctor says he found some sort of temporal disturbance, and Samantha is tri… tri… triangulating, I think, the origin of the flash, and it's all very clever out here. No one inside is worrying too much? You're playing _charades_? The house made hors d'oeuvres? Mum, really, you're the life of the party. Oh… okay. I'll talk to you if we find anything out." She shut her phone and wished she understood everything as well as so many people around her seemed to. She walked over to where her cousin Samantha was finishing tinkering with a telescope.

"I'm telling you, Carter," General O'Neill was saying, "It's gotta be aliens. No offense, T." Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"That's what _I've_ been saying!" Sheriff Carter exclaimed.

Sam looked up. "Jack, you've been saying everything is aliens for years."

"So has that guy." He pointed at a former conspiracy theorist.

Daniel blinked. "Um, I was right."

"So am I, maybe."

Rose tapped Sam on the shoulder, trying to circumvent more fighting. She thought the problem was aliens, too.

"Samantha? Should Cinda and Aunt Susan be inside?"

"What? Yes. I thought Mark took them in. Where are they?"

They walked back over to the lawn chairs, leaving Daniel and Teal'c to struggle with finishing the equipment and Jack and Jack to look menacingly at each other. Aunt Susan was staring at the cloudy sky again, and Cinda seemed to be talking to herself a short distance away.

"Al, come on! You have to have something!" the little girl was saying. "I just appeared in what seems to be a genius family reunion, hosted by, get this, Samantha Carter's brother –no, I don't know if she's hot, I'm her _niece_! And apparently there was a huge flash of light just before I got here. Why _am _I here? You have _no _idea? Well, an 11% chance is better than nothing…"

"Cinda?" Rose knelt by her young cousin. "Who are you talking to?" She had had enough experiences wherein people spoke to others who were neither visible nor imaginary to be terribly concerned, but the subject of the one-sided conversation was a little unorthodox.

"Oh! Um… my imaginary friend?"

This was soon disproved, as the Doctor ran over seconds later.

"Samantha, Rose! I got it to work- well, _we_ got it to work, brilliant friend you have there- and you'll never believe… who's he?"

"Who's who?"

"That man there. Standing by… Cinda, was it?"

Artemis and Zoe, flanked closely by the Butlers, had come over as well. Rose still didn't see anyone.

"Admiral something, according to his uniform…Calavicci? My, the U.S. Air Force is well-represented here." He looked at Colonel Carter, General O'Neill, and Sheriff Carter.

Jack (guess which one) raised his hand. "Um, I'm actually a Marshal."

Zoe elbowed him. "Not the time, Dad."

Cinda looked at the Doctor in rather cherubic shock. "I might actually have to come clean with you here-"

"He just flickered," the Doctor interrupted, walking around an empty patch of ground, prodding the air with his screwdriver, "but I still see him. I say hologram. Yep," suddenly a man appeared, and the sonic screwdriver passed straight through his shoulder, "definitely hologram."

Cinda sighed. "My name is Samuel Beckett. I just quantum leaped here into the body of Cinda Carter. I don't know why, and I certainly don't know how, but I think I have to save someone's life."

"_Sam Beckett?_" exclaimed Sam Carter and Henry Deacon. "But you- I heard- why- oh!"

"General," said Admiral Al.

"Admiral," said General Jack.

Rose glanced at the Doctor, and noticed that he, too, was looking elsewhere: at his machine. It was beeping. Daniel was pointing at it with a "what-do-I-do-know?" face.

The alien in pinstripes ran over to his contraption, picked it up, and pointed it at another front yard area of emptiness. Well, near emptiness; the badminton net was incinerated. The point was, another, and more alien, alien appeared. Tentacles, it had, and spots, and three eyestalks. A weapon it also had. A very dangerous-looking ray-type gun.

"Wow," whispered Jack Carter. "Just like in a movie." The Admiral flickered and disappeared again. Zoe elbowed her father again. Together, as the local diplomats, Daniel and the Doctor stepped forward, then looked at each other, then stepped back.

"A doctor?" asked Daniel. "In what, again?"

"What about you?"

"Archaeology."

The Doctor made a rather pitying expression, as if to say, "I laugh at archaeologists."

"Excuse me," said Rose, rolling her eyes. "but who are you? What are you doing here?"

"**I am Drika of Yika, and I seek'a someone**," said the creature.

"Who?"

"**I know not. A traveler, one who has slipped in and out of now and then.**"

"There's no need to point a gun. We can help you look if you wan-" the creature pointed at the ping-pong table, and it and the telescope disappeared in a bright flash. Rose shut her mouth. Henry stepped away quickly.

"Okay," the Doctor clapped his hands with a grin. "Who all here has traveled through time?" He and Rose raised their hands automatically. Cinda Carter thought a moment, and then slowly raised hers. Sam looked at her team, and they all thought of 1969, and a recent video they'd uncovered in a pyramid with a zero-point module. _Good year_, thought O'Neill. SG-1 raised their hands.

"What about time-dilation fields?" asked Artemis suddenly from behind his bodyguard. Drika nodded. Sort of. Or so it appeared. Artemis poked the Butlers, and they all raised their hands.

"What about fractured-universe alternate reality futures?" asked Henry.

"**Yes.**" Henry Deacon nodded at Jack and Zoe Carter, and he and the confused latter two raised their hands.

Suddenly, out of apparently nowhere, Aunt Susan cocked her head to the side and raised her hand. That made everyone on the lawn, and the Doctor grinned even wider.

"Brilliant! Drika of Yika, you're speaking of seeking someone near…"

"Eureka," provided Jack with a confused smile.

"Right! Now, we all fit your parameters, though I'm sure I don't know every case."


End file.
